Our Journey

Lil Shane Update From 7/27-8/02/2010

2010-08-02T21:38:00.000-07:00

(Lil Shane Update 7/27/2010)
Tonight sadly lil Shane had to go back to the mental hospital he was seeing things again and the voices were getting worse along with being violent. It's not something we wanted to do but we have to protect Caleb and Lil Shane. We have do what's right for both of our boys. It's heartbreaking and it hurts both us knowing he had to go back but we have no choice. He had hurt Caleb 4 times in less then 1 hr and half. Yes we were right there but couldn't stop him in time it happens all so fast sigh...I will update more soon.
(things the voices tell him to say or do)
want him to kill himself
wants him to hit caleb in the head with a pan and kill him
pinch out calebs eyes
they say bad things to him call him bad names etc
wants him to hurt daddy and mommy
wants him to kill autum (if u know me then u know she is already in heaven)
wants him to break things
tell him he can't play,sing or eat
he sees them
talks on the toy phone to them 542- means kill
want him to cut his wee-wee off
tell him to pee in his closet.
rip his face off
the list goes on and on and it's just heartbreaking I have wrote and keep a journal of things the voices say and what him to do.
these are just a few of the things

(Lil Shane Update 7/28/2010)
We seen our son today I can't even describe what's like to walk into a mental hospital knowing your going to see your 5 year old son. He was crying and wanting to come home and of course all we can say is no baby not right now you have to get better. I try not to cry in front him but I can't help it my heart is hurting and breaking for him. We meet with Dr tomorrow one thing the Dr said he wanted to talk to us about was Lil Shane is highly intelligent and he want to talk more about that. It's funny every Dr Lil Shane has ever seen has said he is highly intelligent. I am praying that he will have some answers for us tomorrow. I have to say I love the Dr at the hospital he is wonderful and caring he doesnt treat us like were stupid or talk down to us. We do not know how long he will be there as I said we will know more tomorrow.

(Lil Shane Update 7/29/2010)
So we went to see our little man today and met with Dr again I can not say enough about the Dr at the hospital he is amazing. He talked to us about Lil Shane being highly intelligent he said when talks to Shane it's not like talking to another 5 year old or child for that matter that Shane talks to him like he is an adult and at times he felt like the patient. We have always been told by Dr's that our son was very intelligent. He told us sadly Shane is not getting better that he has been in the hospital 3 times now. So he talked to us about different options We can try in-home therapy first & see how that goes or we could send him to this place by Orlando FL he would be over 8hrs away from us. We came home and talked it over and decided that we would try in-home therapy first. Of course we want to do what's best for our son and we are praying that the in-home therapy along with meds work. If not then sadly we will have to send him to that place. The thought of that breaks my heart but again we have to do what's best for both of our boys.

(Lil Shane Update 7/30/2010)
Lil Shane got to home today we were not expecting that but Dr said he had been doing good. So he decided to let him come home again he talked to us about our options and went over somethings with us. It felt good having our boy home with us cause without him things are not the same. He was happy to be home & his black Lab Falcon was so excited to her puppy she was dancing all over the place ran and got his toy truck and brought it to him aww how cute and sweet. The night was a little rough but then we talked and he went to bed. We have been on this journey for so long now and I know it's something that we maybe on for the rest for ourlives we have special son.

(Lil Shane Update 7/31/2010)
Today was a rough day but not as bad as it has been we went and worked with our horse. It's so hard cause hubby and I see the fear that Caleb has of Lil Shane and as we told his Dr's he feeds off Caleb's fear he laughs about Caleb being scared. It breaks our hearts it shouldn't be this way Caleb should not fear his big brother. We have been doing as they do at the hospital if he gets upset then we send him to his room for 5 mins we are keeping the routine that the hospital has. Lil Shane Starts School August 9th I am worried about how he will do he did do awesome the 2wks of the summer program they had. The past year for hubby and I have been draining and we are still drained.

(Lil Shane Update 8/01/2010)
I have to say Lil Shane had an awesome day Yay for him! We have not had one of those days in months so we are very proud of him. We know he is trying so hard and we are so proud of him. One thing we are doing much better at is talking and working as a family together meaning that Lil Shane is not screaming at us anymore he is listening to us which is a big plus as I said before I know this is a journey that may never end and that's okay as long as we can keep our family together and be safe.

(Lil Shane Update 8/02/2010)
Lil Shane had a Dr appt today it went good seems like we are finally getting some where with this new Dr with is awesome. Dr did say that he is definitely bipolar and course has psychosis with it. He's not ruling out him having schizophrenia he is young and as he said it's hard to tell when they are so young. I feel good about things meaning we are finally getting somewhere he still on med's and we will be starting in-home therapy this wk looking fwd to that Miss Tyson has been doing this for over 20 years she seems to be a wonderful lady praying she can help us all. This not just for Lil Shane it is for all of us and I think that is awesome. Today was a pretty good day we some tough moments but those are to be expected again we know he is trying so hard and we are so very proud of him. It's very draining having a child with special needs but you know what I wouldn't change it for anything in this world. I know God picked me to be my Angel Autum's mommy for a reason and I know he picked hubby and I to be Shane's daddy and mommy and we are so blessed.

Our Nightmare...

2010-06-20T17:31:00.000-07:00

The last few days have seem like a nightmare for us. On Thursday evening hubby woke me up saying Lil Shane had dumped hot water on Caleb I had been taking a nap my sinues were killing me. Lil Shane had wanted a tuna fish sandwich so hubby put eggs on the stove to boil he had it on the back burner and the handle was facing away. He said the boys were in and out of Lil Shane's room playing he was back there painting the walls he said he heard Caleb screaming in the living room came running out and seen that Caleb was wet he checked the stove and seen the pan was still on the stove but Caleb smelled like eggs and he was warm so he found Shane who was hiding and he eventually said that he put the water on Caleb. I looked and seen Caleb's back was red like he had been sunburned I called 911 right away. Paramedics got here and put me and Caleb on the stretcher they were gonna airlift him to the hospital but the chopper couldn't get off the ground because of the weather. I kept asking the Mr Glen the medic in the back was Caleb going to die and begging him not let him die as many of u know I lost my daughter in a tragic car wreck and of course just everything comes flashing back I just kept thinking Caleb was going to die but the medic in the back Mr Glen was awesome he said he was doing good because he was fighting him and only wanting momma we got to the hospital they started looking and working on him right away he was still laying in my lap they said he had 1st,2nd and 3rd degree burns. They asked what happen and I told them.

Hubby and Lil Shane got there but they would not allow kids back there so I stayed back there until they got Caleb stable and seen he was doing okay and traded places so hubby could come back and see him cause hubby was freaking out I remember hubby sent me a text saying Omg Our Baby he didn't realize how bad it was Caleb looked horrible and was in so much pain. He was so shocked because his wounds looked so much worse than when he last saw them.

After we took turns caring for our baby, we went home and got a few hours sleep and headed back the next day. We went in to see him and he wanted to give Shane a hug, aww. The doctors came in and talked to us and so did the police department. They said they we had to take Shane to Baptist for our safety and Caleb's safety. We then took Shane to baptist and they bakeracted him.

We started off visits of seeing Shane and Caleb in different hospitals. They are not sure if he will need plastic surgery for his wounds or not.

Caleb got to come last night he is doing better but of course it will be weeks and even months of healing they said. As far as Lil Shane we are not sure what is going to happen. He told hubby and me that he did it because Caleb scratched him but the told the officer he did it because he didn't get what he wanted we are not sure what he meant by that cause he hadn't asked for anything.

I can't even begin to tell u the anger I feel at Lil Shane's Dr we told her time and time again he was getting more violent that he was hitting us etc she didn't listen we called and called when we would see her we would tell her again she never listened and so here we are. I am so lost and numb it honestly feels like a nightmare. As we know more we will update more but for now I really don't know what else to say except thank you from the bottom of our hearts for all your love,prayers and support it means the world to us and thank you doesn't seem to be enough but again thank you please keep those prayers coming we have been on a long journey for awhile and it looks as though it's going to be a lot longer. We do not know when Lil Shane will be able to come home nor do we know what the next step is I know in my heart we will get our little boy back I know one day he will be our little Shane once again tonight he called again before bed he was upset he said he wanted to talk to Caleb he wanted to see how he was feeling it broke my heart I busted into tears he said momma I don't want to be anymore I just want to go there and get him but we can't it's out of our hands and I know he needs help and want him to get the right help he has needed for so long Tomorrow however I will be paying a visit to his Dr and I can tell u right now it's not gonna go very pretty I will do whatever I can to see that she loses her licenses to practice her not hearing us is the reason for this.

(This is the short version I don't have time to type everything that has happen in the past few days sorry)

Hugs and Much Love Tanya

Another Update...

2010-06-04T12:00:00.000-07:00

Sorry I haven't updated in awhile so much has been going on. We think we are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel then it disappears. Over a month ago I called 911 Shane Jr was so out of control hurting us and himself I thought maybe the police would scare him but the sheriff that came ended up scarying me he was very religious he said he knew he was sent here to help he felt the house was haunted by demons he said a lot more but sadly I don't have time to sit here and type it all out. He called a friend of his who is a pastor then the pastor called us the things they both said had me very concerned. I am trying to understand it all I am trying to understand where our 5 year old son gets so much rage? We took him off the Seroquel so he has been off it for over a month We thought maybe it was enraging him even more. Sadly things have not gotten any better only worse. I never thought our 5 year old son would be abusing us it breaks my heart we are drained in every way we don't know where it comes from what is causing him to be so angry and want to hurt us and himself. The other night he punched his daddy in the face threw a picture frame and busted it along with other things. Last night we got called assholes and of course more hitting and throwing things. The screaming and yelling can last forever it seems he has no remorse for hurting us and even said he doesnt care he once did. He has broken things of my angel Autum's something he would of never done before. We keeping asking ourselves where does all this hate,anger and rage come from but of course we have no answers. Hubby and I have never ever hit each other we don't even wrestle anymore we stopped last year when everything happen with Lil Shane we felt we shouldnt do it anymore. His Dr wants to try one more Med he is still going to therapy which I have to say is a huge joke it doesn't help at all even hubby agrees. I pray everyday that maybe we will at least have one just one good day with no hitting no screaming no yelling no breaking things no saying he is gonna kill us or himself just one day of peace but it never happens. We know this has to stop things have to get better but when?

Last night something freaky happen and scared the heck out of me U can believe me or not but I know what happen. Hubby slept with lil Shane last night about 1 am I went to bed I got into bed my princess was on my pillow my kitty Ariel lol I heard a baby crying not like Caleb's cry either like a newborn I kept hearing and looking for the baby monitor thinking maybe it was caleb but I couldnt find it thought hubby had it in the room with him my cat was even looking at me like momma you hear that? I got up to see if it was Caleb which I know his cry so I knew it wasn't him and of course it wasn't laid back down and heard it again I wanted to wake hubby up but didnt want him thinking I was crazy I have sleep with a fan to block out noise I can't stand not sleeping with one last night it was like someone was standing it front of my fan it wasn't as loud as usual then it would get louder then back to like something was blocking it. This happens a lot I didn't think about things till now I even told hubby that I have woke up before feeling like someone was watching me sleep. Several ppl have told us that felt this house had ghost or demons this house was built new but I am wondering what about the land it's on? I usually don't get scared I can watch horror movies all day long but last night freaked me out hubby thinks maybe it was Autum coming to me I want to believe that but I fear it's something more. Another thing hubby and I have noticed since we lived here is we are the only house that has 100 dragonflies in our yard I am very serious our yard is covered with them but no one else has them? Trust me we have checked Dr's say our son has bipolar and psychosis other's feel the house has ghost or demons but the one thing that has freaked everyone out the man that our son use to see in his room when he said his name and hubby and I told other's we found out that it's actually a demons name that is in the bible!! Hubby's chief even said it was so how would our son know that name and we didn't even know until someone told us then another person and another.

We are so torn we are so tired and drained we need answers but we are not getting any. We want our little boy back the one that would fill the room with so much love and joy the light is not there in his eyes anymore it's killing me and hubby we don't know what to do or think or believe anymore.

Monday he see's his Dr he is starting and summer program at the school he will be going to it's to help him get ready for Kindergarten it's 3hrs a day 4 days a week hubby and I are excited for him but also very scared cause we don't know how it's going to go. I will try and keep this updated more it's just so hard to sit and type anything that's gonna be long seems I never have the time. anyways thank you to everyone for all ur prayers love and support please keep those prayers coming we need them Lil Shane needs them most of all.

If anyone has any info or advice please feel free to pass it on to us
hugs and much love Tanya

Another Update on our son Shane Jr sigh

2010-04-10T11:16:00.001-07:00

My Hero breaks my heart seeing him go through all this

I am really about ready to go off on his Psychiatrist she keeps putting him on med's then taking him off meds. Wtf is she doing? I really think she has no clue what the heck she is doing. As u all know she had started him on Lithium 150mg well then she decided to up it to 300mg well after I did my research as usual hubby and I talked didn't feel comfortable with him being on this med so she took him off it and gave us a new med to start him on Seroquel well Omg wtf was she thinking umm let's see of course I did my research on the med it's not approved by the FDA for children under the age of 10 years old she put him 25mg 3x's a day I also found out there is a lawsuit going on Umm and she put our son on this med?

She said to stop giving him the Risperdal which he was taking 3x's a day so she said to start the Seroquel the next morning okay well apparently Ur not suppose to take these 2 drugs together so I am thinking why is he taking this new med so soon when the Risperdal isn't out of his system yet?

Hubby and I are seriously about to lose our minds I research all the med's she puts him on cause I want to know about the meds and I want to know all the side effects etc. I am just about to go off on this Dr she is keeping so drugged and now on this new med he's already having problems on the Lithium he started bed wetting Not Normal now on the Seroquel he has wet his pants and pooped them it's tearing up his little tummy he was sweating so bad last night his sheets and hair was soaked he was so out of it said mommy I need to get up but I can't I am just to tired he started crying broke our hearts he was stuttering really bad after getting up he was really out of it.

I called mom and dad told them about the new med and what had happen and what I had read and about it not being approved my FDA for children under the age of 10 years old dad just went off he was so upset he said ya'll are his parents but he is our grandson and I need to say something he needs to see a different Dr or something bad is gonna happen if he keeps seeing her so dad talked to hubby and we all agreed Monday morning we will be going to Tricare to tell them how we feel about his dr and we want to see another one also gonna print out all the information we found on Seroquel and take it to his Dr.

Something needs to be done we know our son has to be on meds we are aware of this but the meds she is putting him on isn't safe I don't understand how she can specialize in children and do all this to our son. This is our little boys health and life she is playing with.

We are so worried about our son and his health we are so worried about what the meds have done to him already. He is so little to him go through all of this is breaking our hearts. Why does our little boy have to go through it's just not fair if I could take it all away from him and take it myself I would in a heartbeat my heart breaks and all I can do is cry for him.

so this is where we are now and we can't just stop the med we can get into serious trouble if he is worse today taking him to the ER gonna tell them and have them take him off the med. Reason we can't stop the med because with no meds he is Homicidal and Suicidal heartbreaking it rips our heart out seeing him like that.

I swear it's gonna take all I have to go off on this woman and hurt her I am serious she is doing more harm to my baby boy then good I have lost one daughter already I will not lose another child I refuse to let that happen so me and her gonna go round and round let me tell u that I am gonna go all Gemma on her ass if you watch Sons of Anarchy u know what I be talking about lmfao hubby says I am so like her as a mother family first and u don't mess with my family or the bitch comes out and she has brought it out messing with my sons health and life.

I am just so pissed and confused how can she be a Dr?

How can she give our son something that the FDA hasn't approved in children under the age of 10 years old.

How can she give our son something when their is a lawsuit going on?

Wtf is she doing?

Sigh...

I just needed to get this out we are so pissed,worried and confused sigh..

I want to thank all the ladies on Facebook for all your information you ladies have been wonderful and so helpful thank you so much to all our friends for all your prayers,concern and support we can't thank you enough.

I will update again after we see what happens Monday.

Hugs and Much Love Tanya

My Angel Autum Nichole's Story

2010-03-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

In Loving Memory Of My Daughter
Autum Nichole 12/18/1995-02/21/1996

So many people often ask me how my Angel got her wings I usually just say she was killed in a car wreck cause I don't want to have to go into details so I thought I would share her story on how she got her angels.

I have been an angel mommy for 14 years now I use to tell myself and other angel moms that I guess God just needed our angels more so he called them home.

But for the last few months I have been asking myself how could God need my daughter more then me I am her mother.

My thoughts and views have changed a lot in the past 14 years oh yes I very much believe in God I have never lost faith in God I do still have my bitter moments with him cause like all angel parents I want to know why? Why my daughter? Why when I wanted her more then anything in this world. Granted I was 17 when I got pregnant 18 when I had her and lost her but I wanted her from the moment I took that test and found out I was pregnant and so did her daddy.

Yes we were young & very much in love and ready for our baby girl so why did God take her away from us she was loved more then words can ever say we didn't abuse her so why?

I have such a hard time understanding things why take my daughter away from me but yet God knows what is going to happen so he allows a woman to get pregnant have a baby then kill that baby or her other children I mean why?

It's been 14 long very long years since I last held,seen and kissed my baby girl goodbye. I miss her more then words can ever say and would give anything in this world to have her back.

So here is my Angel Autum's Story

First so many people ask about her name Yes I am very much aware there is no N on the end of her name there is actually 3 ways to spell her name

Autumn

Autum

Autom

I chose Autum cause it was different but also love the season Autumn but I didn't want to spell her name Autumn so I went with Autum and I think it's the perfect name and spelling for a beautiful little angel.

Autum Nichole was born on December 18th 1995 she was 6 days past her due date she didn't wanna come out of my tummy. I was induced on the 18th she was born at 9:05pm she weighed 8lbs 3oz's and was 21 1/2 inches.

She had some blonde hair and the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen she was so beautiful. She was the biggest baby on the floor so she won a giant christmas stocking filled with all kinds of goodies.

Her daddy was so very proud and when he first held her his face lit up like never before his smile was so big I have never ever seen him smile that way again.

Our friends and family fell in love with her but look at her how could u not I remember one of the nurses saying she truely looks like an angel I will never forget her saying that how little did she know she was so right.

We brought her home 3 days later and life for us was wonderful we were getting ready for Christmas we were enjoying every moment with our new baby girl the grandparents were proud and spoiling her rotten every chance they got. Her paw would stop by everyday after work to see his little sweetheart.

Not long after christmas was over her daddy had to leave and go back on the road he was and still is a pipe welder he had to go back to Nebraska I will never forget looking out Autum's bedroom window holding her and seeing his face so sad as he had to leave us.

I took pictures to send to daddy and a song came out by Alabama called in pictures he had heard it on the radio one night and he said I am watching her grow up in pictures.

He decided to come home and find another job he found one in Kentucky and wanted us to go with him and of course I wanted to go wanted us to be a family he had already missed so much.

So we packed our stuff locked our house up said goodbye to the grandparents but before we left Don's Mom who I also consider to be my mom his parents have been like my mom and dad for 17 years now she had bought us an electric can opener so we took it out of the box and put it behind the seat of truck on Autum's side she bought it cause we were gonna be staying in a hotel and thought it might come in handy. Grandparents kissed and hugged their sweet little Autum goodbye and we were on our way. It looked like Autum was waving goodbye to them she was waving those little hands all over the place it was heartbreaking leaving them we could see the tears but we had to do what was best for our family.

Don got turned around in Little Rock Ark so he called home to ask dad to look at the map he had been through there many times mom said she had a bad feeling and wanted to tell us to turn around and come back home but sadly she didn't so we got on the road again found our road we need and was headed to Kentucky with our daughter and our kitty cat sissy we made stops to feed and change Autum to get out and stretch and let sissy walk around on her leash yes our cat walked on a leash lol

February 21st the day my world fell apart and my angel got her wings

We are not sure what happen Autum was a sleep in her carseat and I was in the middle and had been sleeping as well I remember Don stopping on the interstate to get something to drink and splash his face with water I woke up and asked are u okay he said yes was just getting a little sleepy so he wanted to get something to drink and splash his face he then said he was fine.

I guess I dozed back off with the next thing I knew I woke up to us spinning out of control on the interstate I started screaming I was in shock I couldn't believe this was happening we dove hood first into a huge ditch the truck stopped I looked over at Autum and seen blood on her face I screamed for Don to get the baby we jumped out he handed her to me and we tried to flag cars down.

Do u know how many cars drove right past us I am standing there with a baby in my arms u can see that we have wrecked and they drove right on past us I often think maybe just maybe if one of those cars would of stopped maybe she might have made it.

I remember hearing the wheels of 18 wheelers screcthing to stop and another man in his truck I will never forget his name John Mercy he sat me in his truck with Autum and told me he was calling 911 I sat there looking at my sweet baby girl with blood on her face I will never forget the sounds she made or how she looked I can still see her face and hear her making those sounds I swore to her that she was gonna be okay.

33 mins after the wreck Autum Nichole got her wings

She died from a severe head injury to her head the electric can opener that was behind the seat had came out when we dove into the huge ditch and hit her in the head.

The police went over our truck for 12 hrs they couldnt find anything that had caused us to lose control so they said one of 2 things happen either Don fell asleep or we hydroplane there had been some water on the road.

The people were wonderful in Kentucky the mayor came out to talk to us and she even asked to see a picture of Autum.

It still didnt hit me that my baby girl was gone I mean I held her and kissed her at the hosptial but it didnt seem real as were walking out the doors to go to the hotel one of the nurses handed me her little sock I lost it but it still didnt seem real I laid on the bed holding her picture I told Don she was fine and we would go get her tomorrow he sat in the corner crying.

We got back to oklahoma and was greeted by friends and family

On February 24th 1996 was the last time I seen and kissed my daughter I remember for weeks waking up at night thinking she rolled off the bed then I would realize she's not here.

14 years later my heart and my arms still ache for my baby girl I miss her more then words can ever say. Not a day goes by where I do not think about her or miss her and want her back.

I never got to see my baby girl do all the things she was suppose to do I am blessed I got 2 months 3 days with her but of course it wasn't long enough I am blessed I got to see her precious smile and hear her little coos.

I feel honored and blessed that God allowed me to have Autum and chose me to be her mommy I do feel cheated but I would trade those 2 months 3 days for anything I live with the pain everyday and every year gets harder but those
2 months and 3 days were a gift and wonderful I will remember them forever.

4 years ago I started angelmommycreations in memory of Autum I wanted to be able to do something in her memory I started making pictures of her and thought other angel parents might want more pictures of their angels. I am glad I can do something special in her memory.

Autum Nichole was the best baby never fussy she was a blessing so happy all the time kicking those little feet and hands she is forever loved and missed.

I am remarried now and have 2 handsome little boys my 5 year old talks about his sissy all the time he says she is his star in the sky he does all kinds of sweet things for her no of course he never met her but he knows about her through mommy and daddy my hubby is amazing man he never met her either but he always thinks about her and does things for her and we won't ever let her memory fade we will remember her as long as we live.

So there is my angels story how she got her wings sometimes it's easier to just say car wreck then to have to go through all the horrible details. If u have read this far I thank u for taking the time to read.

Autum's death was a freak accident who would of ever thought that an electric can opener would of took her life.

So please look inside ur car or truck make sure there is nothing lying around that could hurt ur child if u were to get into a wreck. Also remember life is way too short hug and kiss ur babies everyday make sure u tell them u love them u never know what tomorrow holds.

Never let anyone tell u to move on or let go of your angel keep their memory alive that might be in heaven but they are still our daughters and sons they are still apart of us and forever our hearts.

Hugs and Much Love Tanya

New Med For Shane Jr

2010-03-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

First I want to thank all our friends and family that have been praying and concerned about our son Shane Jr, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart.

Today his Dr decided to take him off Zoloft and put him on Lithium 150mg. I have been doing research all day on the drug and trying to find any other parents that have children on this med children Shane Jr's age I found one mother of a 4 year old going to contact her. She also decided to bump him back to 2 doses of Risperdal which still makes me worry cause his cholesterol level was 200 which is really high. He will need to have blood work done Monday and every 6 months to make sure his Lithium levels are okay. I must say I am very concerned with him being put on this med seems like a very strong drug and he is so little I have done research all day trying to find out as much info as I can about it and like I said trying to find other parents with children on it around his age. I went to many different bipolar boards and seems like almost everyone on the board is taking Lithium.

There are so many side effects he will get from needing to be well hydrated, not getting over heated among tons of other things.

My heart breaks for him I have been on depression meds since the lost of my first born child, my daughter Autum Nichole, who many know was killed in a tragic car wreck in 1996 at the tender age of 2 months 3 days old. I know for me I have been on just about every med there is and I know there are times I don't fully understand depression so to see my little 5 year old son go through this rips my heart out cause I know he honestly can't help the things he does or says. I would give anything if I could make him all better I wish I could understand why he has bipolar & psychosis it's just so damn heartbreaking to see him go through everything he has been through and I know there will be loads more ahead.

I worry about him being labled people and children are so mean I don't want him to be labled. I just worry so much about when he starts school and as he gets older.

Well I don't want to turn this into another book again thanks for all the prayers, love and concern it means alot to us thank u so very much.
Hugs and Much Love Tanya

Shane Jr Update

2010-03-23T21:58:00.000-07:00

I know it's been so long since I have updated on here I guess one I pretty much sent friends updates on facebook and well life has been normal for us until recently. As many know last year our son who Shane Jr who was 4 at the time was diagnosed with bipolar & psychosis well a few months ago his psychiatrist had some blood work ran because the med he was on can cause diabetes well test came back his cholesterol level was 200 which was not good so she said we needed to take him of the Risperdal but would have to taper him off he was taking 5mg 3 times a day so she said to start breaking them and giving him 2.5mg we started noticing changes she had also started him on 25mg of zoloft.

He has been biting his nails till they bleed
He has chewed the inside of his lip where he has a huge sore
He scratches himself tell the skin is off and it bleeds
He keeps pulling at his nail cuticles to they bleed

We tell him to stop but he will go in his room and do then comes back out and shows us it's breaking our hearts seeing him do these things and seeing the sores and marks he is leaving on his body

Last week he thought he hurt Caleb's feelings so he started slapping himself in the face then started slapping his legs I held him crying telling him he didn't hurt his baby brother's feelings and that it's okay to be mad it's just an emotion but he doesn't need to hurt himself.

He hasn't been losing control like he was last year but getting to that point We told his Dr he needs something like the Risperdal but she wants him to back to therapy first she said all the things he is doing to himself is because he has a tick umm hello I just don't think so things were great until she added the zoloft and started taking him off the risperdal he now takes 50mg of zoloft and 2.5mg of the risperdal.

Tonight he did got really upset some how he got a paper cut or something and said Caleb did it so he said he wanted to get a knife and cut Caleb my mouth fell open as well as hubby's cause we had not heard anything like this in almost a year he was losing control he was screaming he hated Caleb again he has not done this in almost a year.

He has been an amazing brother ever since he was put on the Risperdal always taking care of caleb and playing with him but now things are getting like they were before it's ripping my heart out I can't stand seeing my baby boy go through this he is only 5 years old and has already been through so much it's not fair.

Took him to the ER they said there is another drug like the risperdal so tomorrow well I guess today it would be we go to mental health on base and meet either with his Dr or another Dr about what's going on I am gonna make them listen to our concerns if I have to scream I am tired of them telling us a bunch of BS.

We had such a wonderful day I took the boys out to play in the backyard we played on the swing set then out in the yard then daddy came home and played outside with them. Of course has little normal little tanturms that children his age has but other then that he has been doing awesome all I can do is cry cause I see him losing control again and I fear what's going to happen I have lost one child I refuse to lose another one Shane Jr is my miracle baby well both of my boys are they are my reason for living they are my heart my soul my life they were both born at 36wks with severe lung problems they are truly my miracles I know with Shane Jr having bipolar & psychosis that we are gonna hit bumps sadly I know he might be on meds for the rest of his life all I want is my baby boy to okay I don't want to see him hurting himself or other things I want them to get him on a med that will help him once again I know I am rambling I am just so lost and heartbroken to see my little monkey going through this again I just want to make it all go away I want to make him all better but I can't and it kills me I will try and update more often I think I need to blog more often feels good to be able to just let all my feelings out even if nobody reads it but if u have read it thanks for reading thanks to all our friends for prayers and for caring.
Hugs and Much Love Tanya

My Son Shane Jr

2009-09-16T18:37:00.001-07:00

I don't know where to even start really I don't want to turn this into a book so I will go back a few months. Our 4 year old started talking about a bad man that comes in his room at night he told us what he says and does to him. Hubby and I are were both shocked and confused things started getting worse here are some of the things the bad man says to him.

wants him to get a gun & shoot himself in the head
wants him to set himself & brother on fire
wants him to cut his skin off
wants him to get a knife & kill himself
wants him to DIE DIE DIE
wants him to hurt himself
wants him to hurt us
wants him to hurt his doggies
wants him to hurt caleb
tells him to do bad things
this is just some of the things the bad man says and wants him to do

things the bad man says about him
he's a F**king asshole
he's F**king shit
he's a bad boy
that the bad man is the boss and he better listen to him
don't tell anyone or he will get hurt and we will too
he hates him
now these are just some of the things the bad man tells him

he says the bad man has a belt and hits him the stomach the belt has blood on it freaking thing is one day I noticed bruises on his tummy and asked him how he got those he said oh mommy I fell (this was before he told us about the bad man I noticed the bruises)

there are so many more things he says and wants him to do he said he was scared to tell us about the bad man.

We have noticed a huge change in him in the past year things with him as been really bad he has fits of rage and I'm not talking ur normal tantrum full blown rage fits hitting,throwing things,screaming,hurting himself etc. He has banged his head since he was a year old talked to the Dr's they said he's just being a normal toddler ignore him when he does it he will stop nope went back to the Dr's more blah blah from them.

Life for us honestly has been hell the past year we have tried everything finally when he started talking about the bad man and him hurting himself was getting worse we took him to the Dr they made appt that day with a psychiatrist we met with her she talked to us then Shane Jr she immediately put him on meds and even talked about admitting him to a mental hospital we were in shock we couldn't believe our 4 year old son might have to be admitted into a mental hospital.

We came home started the meds but things got worse so they finally did admit him it honestly ripped our hearts out we couldnt believe this was happening to our baby boy our little miracle of course they allowed one of us to stay and daddy ended up staying since it was an all boy floor and the ages raged from 10-17 years old of course they dont lock the doors so hubby didnt feel safe with me staying there it broke my heart walking out of that hospital I felt like we were in a nightmare and just wanted us to wake up from it. They diagnosed him with bipolar & psychosis he was released after few days things seemed to going good then bam another blow so his physiatrist increased his dosage he is now taking 3 pills a day the meds do sedate him which I said was something I would never do or allow but we had to no choice no he's not knocked out all the time he does all the normal things he use to like playing etc he's just more relaxed and at times really sleepy more later in the day and night.

Okay so yesterday hubby and I thought we would surprise him by taking him & Caleb to the zoo well hubby had to take care of somethings before he left the base so Shane Jr had a full blown rage fit throwing things,tried to punch Caleb,screaming at him that I wanted to kill him and just wanted him to die then he looked at me with the most evil face and told me he wanted to kill me my mouth fell open and I ran outside and started crying I never thought I would ever hear my son say any of the things he has said but those words he said about me wanting to kill him and he wanted kill me ripped my heart out well hubby walked in right after it happen things got worse he then said to his daddy he wanted to kill him he hit me twice so hubby said babe he has to go back to the hospital I just started crying I didnt nor dont want to let him go back there we talked and decided we would wait since he is seeing a therapist tomorrow we will see what she says and his Dr and go from there we are still waiting for them to do MRI big problems with them there ughh apparently the fax keeps getting lost saying he needs to have one done about to go off on some people.

so that's what's been going on and where we are at there is so much more I am leaving out like for example we started thinking maybe there was an evil ghost or whatever in the house so we annotated the house which when this was done some pretty freaky things happened and I mean freaky.

I know I am leaving so much out but sadly I can't sit here and type all day and night I would be here for days seriously so this is why we have been begging for prayers and so damn worried about our son Shane Jr we are doing all we can to get our little boy back to bring that light back into his little eyes that use to shine so bright if u know him u know he is amazing little boy who was so full of life.

it's like I tell everyone i lost my daughter physically I am losing my son mentally

So many people offer different advice from having the house blessed (which we are going to have done) to yes there could be evil to everything else and yes we listen to everyones advice and take it all in trust me.

Okay so I guess I have turned this into a book if u read this far thank u to all our friends and family for your thoughts,advice and prayers please keep those prayers coming just please GOD please pray for our little boy please ask GOD to bring him back to us to bring that light back into his eyes. I dont want to lose him I can't lose him (we can't lose him)
Hugs and Love T